Yoowwwwlll!! My hands are all weather-cracked. Tiny little lacerations have appeared all over as though some invisible miniature goblin has been slicing away with a fencing sword throughout the day.

Poor tiggs. He's just had his teeth cleaned at the vet. For obvious reasons (to avoid slightly more painful lacerations than mine) he had to be sedated. Now he's all dopey. His lazy eye is even more lazy than usual. They're so cute like that. Drugged up.

SNIGGER OF THE DAY

Milton Jones: "I was walking along the road today, and on the pavement i saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although, thinking about it, it might have been a handkercheif."